Republican Factions Battle for President

(Washington, D.C., Wednesday) – Savage in-fighting broke out here this week among Republican members of Congress who are demanding a new President.

The skirmishing followed the address delivered March 3 by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to a joint session of Congress. The speech left GOP leaders oohing and ahing over Netanyahu’s projection of strong leadership as he made his case against a nuclear deal with Iran. Members, however, quickly went to war over just who should step in to replace Barack Obama.

Mainstream Republicans, leaning ever-so-slightly left on the right edge of the political spectrum, led by House Speaker John Boehner, want to give the White House keys to Netanyahu. Those affiliated with the more extreme Tea Party, camping out just to the right edge of the spectrum in an area popularly known as Crazytown, are pushing for Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“The prime minister is the real deal,” said Boehner, who blind-sided the White House by orchestrating the Congressional address. “He is a duly-elected head of state who puts the interest of his people first and gets the job done – unlike our current President, who sees himself as a king and pushes his own agenda by royal decree.”

Republican and Tea Party enthusiast U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, Texas, is leading the “Puttin’ in the Putin” campaign.

“Putin is a decisive leader,” Cruz said, echoing remarks he made after a 2014 poll showed Tea Party members would vote for Putin over Obama. “Putin takes action without worrying about reactions from anyone else. That’s leadership. Obama is a thinker. Thinking, I can tell you from personal experience, has never accomplished anything.”

Outside the Congressional chambers, other Tea Party regulars added their support for Putin.

“Our Founding Fathers labored tirelessly to install a strong Russian leader as President of the United States of America,” observed Michele Bachmann, former Congresswoman from Minnesota and House Tea Party Caucus chair. “Our Constitution includes explicit provisions for that very thing.”

Sarah Palin, former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate took a different slant on Putin as U.S. President.

“This is one Mama Bear who wouldn’t mind cuddling with a big, strong Russian Bear in the Oval Bedroom,” Palin tweeted. “Come to Mama.”

Putin professed extreme disinterest in the prospect of becoming leader of the free world. Although he was flattered, he said, he preferred his current position of absolute power to one in which he might need to master the fine art of compromise.

“That does not mean, if I should someday change my mind,” Putin added, “that I could not simply move into the White House and take it – without fear of repercussions.”

Netanyahu, facing an uphill re-election fight back home, took a wait-and-see position.

“We’ve had a long and fruitful relationship with the United States,” Netanyahu said, “and I would not want to place that relationship in jeopardy by rejecting an opportunity to become the next American President. I would definitely give it respectful consideration.”

President Obama said that he would prefer to finish his second term and let his successor be determined in the 2016 presidential election. If forced to make a choice, he said, he would not go with Putin.

“We’ve had a long and fruitful relationship with Israel,” Obama said, “and I would not want to place that relationship in jeopardy by rejecting Prime Minister Netanyahu as our next President. I would definitely give it respectful consideration.”

‘Liar, Liar Law’ Signed

(Washington, D.C., April 1, 2021) – A collective sigh of relief could be heard from politicians throughout the nation today as President Jesse Ventura signed into the law the controversial political perjury act.

The legislation is officially titled the “Politician Perjury Protection Act of 2021,” but it is more popularly known as the “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire Law.”

The subject of lengthy mock debate by House and Senate members, the bill grants any duly elected public official in the United States full immunity from charges of perjury, obstruction of justice or contempt of court arising from testimony taken under oath while actively serving in office.

Impetus for the measure began more than 20 years ago in the wake of President Bill Clinton’s impeachment investigation and trial, which cost American taxpayers an estimated $37,478,017.13 and ended in the acquittal that most knowledgeable observers had predicted from the start of the investigation.

“With this bill, we ensure that the American people will never again be victimized by such a needless waste of time and resources,” Ventura noted, with pen poised. “Before I sign, I want to state, for the record, that I have never lied while serving in public office; but I have great sympathy for those who have.”

Ventura’s quip drew brief, uneasy titters from the representatives, senators and other integrity-impaired dignitaries gathered in the Oval Office to witness the signing.

“This bill recognizes what the American public has long known,” observed Sen. B. S. Balderdash (R-Ill.), “that today’s elected official, in order to effectively perform his or her duties, must, by necessity, at times skirt the absolute truth.”

The bill extends immunity to any non-elected officials serving under publicly elected officeholders. That, however, is where the line was drawn. Killed in committee were amendments which proposed similar protection for attorneys, judges and used car salesmen.

“American society, without doubt, holds many professional liars outside the political arena,” said Nevada Reno, U.S. attorney general, “but we cannot allow legislation to make a mockery of our justice system, which does a fine job on its own; and Lord knows, car salesmen are already tough enough to prosecute.”

Taken from “FutureNews”
Truth Is An Amusing Concept

By Richard E. Berg

Koch Brothers Want to Buy U.S. Government

(Arlington, Virginia, Friday) – The Koch Brothers today dropped all pretext of controlling the nation from the shadows by making an open offer for an outright purchase of the federal government.

“We’re done pussyfooting around, hiding behind elections,” noted Charles Koch, in announcing the purchase offer here at Freedom Partners, headquarters for the Koch web of paid political influence. “Everyone knows what we’re all about, no need to pretend anymore.”

The offer did not include a price, but David Koch said that he does not expect money to be a limiting issue in the purchase. Freedom Partners had announced a 2016 election budget of $889 million at its winter meeting in Washington, D.C.

“Believe you me, that’s just a tiny fraction of our financial reserves,” Charles Koch said. “We expect recoup our investment very quickly by trimming waste and streamlining the government for maximum fiscal responsibility.”

Once in charge, the Kochs are expected to immediately shutter the Department Labor, and the Department of Health and Human Services, slicing more than $1 billion in annual federal spending. Later targets will include Interior, Education, and Housing and Urban Development departments.

Additional details included in the offer include rewriting the U.S. Constitution, eliminating elections, defaulting on the national debt and replacing the bald eagle with Scrooge McDuck as the national bird.

Reaction to the offer on Capitol Hill was enthusiastic among the new Congressional Republican-controlled majority, many of whom are indentured to the Kochs through campaign contributions. Bills approving the sale were quickly authored in both chambers, setting the purchase price at $1.

President Barack Obama vowed to veto the measure, observing that the Kochs’ plans appeared to be somewhat contradictory to democratic principles.

Almighty Announces Political Cleansing

 

(Washington, D.C., Tuesday) – A complete purging of the American political system was announced here today in a thundering message from The Lord God Almighty, Ruler of Heaven and Earth.

The cleansing will take place on Jan. 2, 2015, God’s 85-decibel message warned from the skies across the nation. The timing is, not coincidentally, keyed to the scheduled Jan. 3 start of the 114th Congress, which God proclaimed in His Message to be “an Abomination onto Myself which shalt not stand.”

“Too long have I countenanced the evil deeds of those to profess to act in My Name, yet whose actions contain not the smallest mustard seeds of Goodness,” God spake. “Tremble, all ye who lie with Money to usurp the leadership of Humanity, only to oppress My Children most vilely, for your Day of Reckoning is upon you.”

The corker God said, for His Decision to take action came when Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, newly elected Colorado State Senator and long-time right-wing hatemonger through his “Pray in Jesus’ Name Project,” stated he believes that President Barack Obama is possessed by a demon.

God noted that never, in His Entire Infinite and Eternal Existence, has He permitted employment of demonic possession under any circumstances. He added that Klingenschmitt went way out of bounds when he began invoking the Name of God’s Only Son in his rants.

“It vexeth me sorely that this lower-than-whale-manure mortal should cast doubt upon my Good and Faithful Servant, whom I hath placed in the Oval Office to do Good Works;” God declared. “Dr. Chaps hath pusheth me into Full Smite Mode.”

God, whose best known Act of Divine Retribution was The Great Flood of 3000 B.C., did not state precisely how he plans to rid the nation of its political nogoodniks on Jan. 2, leaving the door open to rampant speculation among cable news pundits. The most popular theory is that those in the Holy Crosshairs will experience an “Anti-Rapture” in which their souls will be transported directly to Hell and their bodies will disappear from the face of the earth.

God also did not specify whether those being targeted have the option to repent before what He has nicknamed “Operation Big Flush” commences. The consensus is that the long ticking redemption timer finally ran out with the Nov. 4 midterm election results.

“So It Goes… — Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Congress Calls for Action from White House

(Washington, D.C., Tuesday) – Members of Congress today demanded that President Obama take immediate action against militant Islamic extremists in Iraq and Syria.

“Congress and the American people are sick and tired of waiting for this namby-pamby, mumble-jumble President to get off his duff and deal with ISIS,” fumed Republican House Speaker John Boehner. “President Obama’s inability to come with a plan to halt ISIS, trumpets his lack of resolve to terrorists everywhere.”

Senate Republican Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had equally harsh words.

“ISIS cannot be managed,” McConnell said. “This is not a group of unruly youngsters who will listen to reason if given a ‘time out’ and deprived of their X-Box playing privileges. Obama had the authority to order air strikes against ISIS in Iraq, and we’re ready, willing and able to extend that authority to Syria.”

Republican Senator Lindsay Graham chimed in.

“Destroy them today,” Graham exhorted. “By tomorrow, they’ll be attacking American toddlers on our neighborhood playgrounds.”

Obama Announces Strong Measures to Curb ISIS

(Washington, D.C., Wednesday) – Responding to mounting cries to stop ISIS, President Obama today announced plans to reinforce troops in Iraq and step up air strikes against the extremist group.

“Effective immediately, we will send an additional 1,000 members of our military to safeguard our interests in that country and to seal off the Syrian border,” the President stated. “This will stem the flow of personnel and materials to ISIS forces in Iraq, which will be found and eliminated.”

“Manned and unmanned airstrikes against ISIS targets in both Iraq and Syria will be increased to whatever level necessary to accomplish our goals,” the President added.

Congress Calls for Caution from White House

(Washington, D.C., Thursday) – Members of Congress today demanded that President Obama exercise restraint in taking action against militant Islamic extremists in the Middle East.

“Congress and the American people are sick and tired of paying the price for actions taken by this reckless, motormouth President and his shoot-from-the-hip confrontations with ISIS,” fumed Republican House Speaker John Boehner. “President Obama’s detailing of his plans to halt ISIS trumpets an alert to terrorists everywhere.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had equally harsh words.

“ISIS can easily be managed,” McConnell said. “This is nothing more than a group of unruly youngsters who will listen to reason if given a ‘time out’ and deprived of their X-Box playing privileges. Obama does not have the authority to conduct airstrikes on Syrian territory, and he would be unwise to carry out that threat.”

Republican Senator Lindsay Graham chimed in.

“Talk to them today,” Graham exhorted. “By tomorrow, they’ll be our friends and allies, eager to help us spread our vision of Democracy throughout the region.”