Donald J. Trump: The Most Frequently Misunderstood President in History

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“Honest” Don Trump

Move over Abe, Donald J. Trump has taken your place as the most truthful American President in history.

Yes, the mainstream media has documented what appears to be thousands of lies told by Donald during his time in the Oval Office. What the horribly dishonest press has failed to take into consideration is that Donald’s self-centered, befuddled mind is rapidly slipping toward dementia.

Donald cannot help stating the opposite of what he really means. Anyone who wants to know the truth behind anything Donald is trying to say needs only turn the statement around.

That may prove difficult for some. To end this disgraceful and unfair situation, Donald needs an interpreter who immediately clarifies his every tweet and statement. Keeping things all in the White House family, I think that White House spinmaster, the highly credible Kellyanne Conway, is the perfect candidate to step into that role.

Backtracking through some of Donald’s more infamous claims, followed by his actual intended meanings, brings immediate clarity to Donald’s sparkling veracity.

Donald:  “We will always protect patients with pre-existing conditions, very importantly.”

Translation:  We will never, ever protect patients with pre-existing conditions, very important to the health insurance industry.

 

D:  Tariffs are “paid for mostly by China, by the way, not by us.”

T:  Tariffs are paid for mostly by us, by the way, not by China.

 

D“Puerto Rico got 91 Billion Dollars for the hurricane, more money than has ever been gotten for a hurricane before.”

T:  Puerto will receive a token amount of relief for the hurricane, less than has ever been gotten for a hurricane before. Disaster funding needs to be reserved for actual states with actual Americans who vote for me.

 

D:  “There is no reason for these massive, deadly and costly forest fires in California except that forest management is so poor.”

T: The real reason for these massive, deadly and costly forest fires in California clearly climate change.

 

D:  “The Democrats want to invite caravan after caravan of illegal aliens into our country. And they want to sign them up for free health care, free welfare, free education, and for the right to vote.”

T:  Republican indifference to drug-fueled violence in foreign countries has produced a massive increase in refugees seeking asylum in our country. Naturally, we will respond to the immediate humanitarian needs of these unfortunate victims of our own policies.

 

D:  “Every single Democrat in the U.S. Senate has signed up for the open borders, and it’s a bill, it’s called the ‘open borders bill.’”

T:  Democrats in the U.S. Senate have signed up for an immigrant families bill, and it’s a bill called the “Keep Families Together Act.”

 

D:  “There’s a lot of talk about Biden’s son, that Biden stopped the prosecution and a lot of people want to find out about that. So whatever you can do with the Attorney General would be great. Biden went around bragging that he stopped the prosecution so if you can look into it…It sounds horrible to me.”

T:  There’s a lot of talk about Biden’s son, that Biden stopped the prosecution, and a lot of people want to find out about that. I’m just calling to say, these rumors have been thoroughly debunked. No need to look into them. Don’t worry. Your aid is in the mail.

President Spanky

D.C. rumors:

As Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson once called Donald Trump a “F**king Moron”. Following a 60 Minutes interview with porn star Stormy Daniels on March 25, Trump is being called (behind his back and affectionately, I assume) “Spanky”.

Putting these two nicknames together, I felt a holiday song parody was in order.

Hence …

Spanky, the Moron
Was a nasty, dumbass soul
With a hollow head
And a face to dread and
A heart made out of coal

Spanky, the Moron
Is a horror tale they say
He was made of dough
But right-wingers know
How he came to life one day

There must have been dark magic
In his presidential run
For when they tallied up the votes
It appeared that he had won

Spanky, the Moron
Was as dirty as could be
Piling lie on lie
Such a crooked guy
He’s bad news for you and me

Spanky, the Moron
Knew the probe was closing fast
So he pointed here
And he pointed there
The distractions couldn’t last

Down to the Congress
Seeking funding for his wall
But they told him “no”
Just like Mexico
There was no end to his gall

They chased him down the streets of town
His leadership a flop
And he always claimed a witch hunt ‘til
Bob Mueller hollered “Stop!”

Spanky, the Moron
Was about to go way
As he waved goodbye he said,
“Don’t you cry.”
I will file for a stay

Trumpity, Trump, Trump
Trumpity, Trump, Trump
Look at Spanky go

Trumpity, Trump, Trump
Trumpity, Trump, Trump
Looking for his next show

Society Adds New Meaning to ‘Trump’

It’s official. The National Synonym Society today approved “trump” as a new word for “dumb.”

“This is a well-earned honor,” said Sebastian T. Wordsworth, NSS president. “Never in the long history of the NSS has an alternate meaning for an existing word been so well documented by multiple media.”

Wordsworth added that the new meaning is, also for the first time, attributable to the acts of a single individual.

“That individual, is of course, Donald J. Trump, whose elevation to President of the United States of America and whose unfiltered access to Twitter have showcased his trumpness to the world daily,” Wordsworth elaborated.

dumbtrump

Trump had a long, honorable, pre-Donald J. history. As a noun, it traces its origins back to games in which certain playing cards were designated as trump and ranked above other cards in the deck.

Mutating into a verb, trump became the act of beating cards of other suits. This was eventually more broadly defined as making a winning move in a competitive situation.

Trump’s positive past, however, has come to screeching halt with its coronation as an adjective.

“It is now perfectly acceptable to substitute trump for dumb in any sentence not referring to speechlessness,” Wordsworth said. “By extension, trump may also now replace any previously existing synonym for dumb — including but not limited to, stupid, dense, brainless, slow, empty-headed, vacuous, moronic and half-baked.”

Wordsworth also noted that trump has earned the right to replace close relatives of dumb, such as ignorant, illiterate and bonkers.

Wordsworth provided sample sentences incorporating the new meaning of trump.

“Do you work at being trump, or were you born that way?”

How can anyone in their right mind, be that trump?”

“Well, that was a trump move.”

“That has got to be the trumpest damn thing I have ever heard anyone say.”

 “Way to go, trump-ass!”

Hey. Maybe they can change the name of one of my favorite movies to Trump and Trumper.

Republican Factions Battle for President

(Washington, D.C., Wednesday) – Savage in-fighting broke out here this week among Republican members of Congress who are demanding a new President.

The skirmishing followed the address delivered March 3 by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to a joint session of Congress. The speech left GOP leaders oohing and ahing over Netanyahu’s projection of strong leadership as he made his case against a nuclear deal with Iran. Members, however, quickly went to war over just who should step in to replace Barack Obama.

Mainstream Republicans, leaning ever-so-slightly left on the right edge of the political spectrum, led by House Speaker John Boehner, want to give the White House keys to Netanyahu. Those affiliated with the more extreme Tea Party, camping out just to the right edge of the spectrum in an area popularly known as Crazytown, are pushing for Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“The prime minister is the real deal,” said Boehner, who blind-sided the White House by orchestrating the Congressional address. “He is a duly-elected head of state who puts the interest of his people first and gets the job done – unlike our current President, who sees himself as a king and pushes his own agenda by royal decree.”

Republican and Tea Party enthusiast U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, Texas, is leading the “Puttin’ in the Putin” campaign.

“Putin is a decisive leader,” Cruz said, echoing remarks he made after a 2014 poll showed Tea Party members would vote for Putin over Obama. “Putin takes action without worrying about reactions from anyone else. That’s leadership. Obama is a thinker. Thinking, I can tell you from personal experience, has never accomplished anything.”

Outside the Congressional chambers, other Tea Party regulars added their support for Putin.

“Our Founding Fathers labored tirelessly to install a strong Russian leader as President of the United States of America,” observed Michele Bachmann, former Congresswoman from Minnesota and House Tea Party Caucus chair. “Our Constitution includes explicit provisions for that very thing.”

Sarah Palin, former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate took a different slant on Putin as U.S. President.

“This is one Mama Bear who wouldn’t mind cuddling with a big, strong Russian Bear in the Oval Bedroom,” Palin tweeted. “Come to Mama.”

Putin professed extreme disinterest in the prospect of becoming leader of the free world. Although he was flattered, he said, he preferred his current position of absolute power to one in which he might need to master the fine art of compromise.

“That does not mean, if I should someday change my mind,” Putin added, “that I could not simply move into the White House and take it – without fear of repercussions.”

Netanyahu, facing an uphill re-election fight back home, took a wait-and-see position.

“We’ve had a long and fruitful relationship with the United States,” Netanyahu said, “and I would not want to place that relationship in jeopardy by rejecting an opportunity to become the next American President. I would definitely give it respectful consideration.”

President Obama said that he would prefer to finish his second term and let his successor be determined in the 2016 presidential election. If forced to make a choice, he said, he would not go with Putin.

“We’ve had a long and fruitful relationship with Israel,” Obama said, “and I would not want to place that relationship in jeopardy by rejecting Prime Minister Netanyahu as our next President. I would definitely give it respectful consideration.”

Koch Brothers Want to Buy U.S. Government

(Arlington, Virginia, Friday) – The Koch Brothers today dropped all pretext of controlling the nation from the shadows by making an open offer for an outright purchase of the federal government.

“We’re done pussyfooting around, hiding behind elections,” noted Charles Koch, in announcing the purchase offer here at Freedom Partners, headquarters for the Koch web of paid political influence. “Everyone knows what we’re all about, no need to pretend anymore.”

The offer did not include a price, but David Koch said that he does not expect money to be a limiting issue in the purchase. Freedom Partners had announced a 2016 election budget of $889 million at its winter meeting in Washington, D.C.

“Believe you me, that’s just a tiny fraction of our financial reserves,” Charles Koch said. “We expect recoup our investment very quickly by trimming waste and streamlining the government for maximum fiscal responsibility.”

Once in charge, the Kochs are expected to immediately shutter the Department Labor, and the Department of Health and Human Services, slicing more than $1 billion in annual federal spending. Later targets will include Interior, Education, and Housing and Urban Development departments.

Additional details included in the offer include rewriting the U.S. Constitution, eliminating elections, defaulting on the national debt and replacing the bald eagle with Scrooge McDuck as the national bird.

Reaction to the offer on Capitol Hill was enthusiastic among the new Congressional Republican-controlled majority, many of whom are indentured to the Kochs through campaign contributions. Bills approving the sale were quickly authored in both chambers, setting the purchase price at $1.

President Barack Obama vowed to veto the measure, observing that the Kochs’ plans appeared to be somewhat contradictory to democratic principles.

U.S. Surrenders to North Korea

(Washington, D.C., Thursday) – The United States of America unconditionally surrendered to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea here today.

“They hit us in the sector that hurt us most, the entertainment industry,” said President Barack Obama in announcing his executive directive of capitulation.

The surrender came in response to a cyberattack on Sony Pictures. The attack was triggered by the planned Dec. 25 release of The Interview, a comedy centered on a CIA-sponsored assassination of Kim Jong-un, DPRK supreme leader. The hackers, calling themselves Guardians of Peace, took terabytes of data, including unreleased motion pictures, personal information about actors and Sony executive e-mail messages.

After the Guardians widened their threats to include anyone attending a showing of The Interview, theater chains quickly bailed. Sony canceled release of the film and expunged all references to it from the company website.

Experts expressed doubts that the Guardians are based in North Korea, which they said has neither the resources nor the expertise to execute the Sony hack.

“We’re not taking any chances that more attacks might cause further embarrassment for actors, actresses and movie moguls, not to mention loss of revenues and danger to film-loving Americans,” the President said.

A quick poll showed most Americans had mixed feelings about the surrender. While a solid 63 percent of those polled agreed that the United States needs a new government capable of accomplishing goals in a timely fashion, 42 percent were uncertain if turning over the reins to North Korea was the right direction to take.

Almighty Announces Political Cleansing

 

(Washington, D.C., Tuesday) – A complete purging of the American political system was announced here today in a thundering message from The Lord God Almighty, Ruler of Heaven and Earth.

The cleansing will take place on Jan. 2, 2015, God’s 85-decibel message warned from the skies across the nation. The timing is, not coincidentally, keyed to the scheduled Jan. 3 start of the 114th Congress, which God proclaimed in His Message to be “an Abomination onto Myself which shalt not stand.”

“Too long have I countenanced the evil deeds of those to profess to act in My Name, yet whose actions contain not the smallest mustard seeds of Goodness,” God spake. “Tremble, all ye who lie with Money to usurp the leadership of Humanity, only to oppress My Children most vilely, for your Day of Reckoning is upon you.”

The corker God said, for His Decision to take action came when Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, newly elected Colorado State Senator and long-time right-wing hatemonger through his “Pray in Jesus’ Name Project,” stated he believes that President Barack Obama is possessed by a demon.

God noted that never, in His Entire Infinite and Eternal Existence, has He permitted employment of demonic possession under any circumstances. He added that Klingenschmitt went way out of bounds when he began invoking the Name of God’s Only Son in his rants.

“It vexeth me sorely that this lower-than-whale-manure mortal should cast doubt upon my Good and Faithful Servant, whom I hath placed in the Oval Office to do Good Works;” God declared. “Dr. Chaps hath pusheth me into Full Smite Mode.”

God, whose best known Act of Divine Retribution was The Great Flood of 3000 B.C., did not state precisely how he plans to rid the nation of its political nogoodniks on Jan. 2, leaving the door open to rampant speculation among cable news pundits. The most popular theory is that those in the Holy Crosshairs will experience an “Anti-Rapture” in which their souls will be transported directly to Hell and their bodies will disappear from the face of the earth.

God also did not specify whether those being targeted have the option to repent before what He has nicknamed “Operation Big Flush” commences. The consensus is that the long ticking redemption timer finally ran out with the Nov. 4 midterm election results.

“So It Goes… — Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Congress Calls for Action from White House

(Washington, D.C., Tuesday) – Members of Congress today demanded that President Obama take immediate action against militant Islamic extremists in Iraq and Syria.

“Congress and the American people are sick and tired of waiting for this namby-pamby, mumble-jumble President to get off his duff and deal with ISIS,” fumed Republican House Speaker John Boehner. “President Obama’s inability to come with a plan to halt ISIS, trumpets his lack of resolve to terrorists everywhere.”

Senate Republican Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had equally harsh words.

“ISIS cannot be managed,” McConnell said. “This is not a group of unruly youngsters who will listen to reason if given a ‘time out’ and deprived of their X-Box playing privileges. Obama had the authority to order air strikes against ISIS in Iraq, and we’re ready, willing and able to extend that authority to Syria.”

Republican Senator Lindsay Graham chimed in.

“Destroy them today,” Graham exhorted. “By tomorrow, they’ll be attacking American toddlers on our neighborhood playgrounds.”

Obama Announces Strong Measures to Curb ISIS

(Washington, D.C., Wednesday) – Responding to mounting cries to stop ISIS, President Obama today announced plans to reinforce troops in Iraq and step up air strikes against the extremist group.

“Effective immediately, we will send an additional 1,000 members of our military to safeguard our interests in that country and to seal off the Syrian border,” the President stated. “This will stem the flow of personnel and materials to ISIS forces in Iraq, which will be found and eliminated.”

“Manned and unmanned airstrikes against ISIS targets in both Iraq and Syria will be increased to whatever level necessary to accomplish our goals,” the President added.

Congress Calls for Caution from White House

(Washington, D.C., Thursday) – Members of Congress today demanded that President Obama exercise restraint in taking action against militant Islamic extremists in the Middle East.

“Congress and the American people are sick and tired of paying the price for actions taken by this reckless, motormouth President and his shoot-from-the-hip confrontations with ISIS,” fumed Republican House Speaker John Boehner. “President Obama’s detailing of his plans to halt ISIS trumpets an alert to terrorists everywhere.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had equally harsh words.

“ISIS can easily be managed,” McConnell said. “This is nothing more than a group of unruly youngsters who will listen to reason if given a ‘time out’ and deprived of their X-Box playing privileges. Obama does not have the authority to conduct airstrikes on Syrian territory, and he would be unwise to carry out that threat.”

Republican Senator Lindsay Graham chimed in.

“Talk to them today,” Graham exhorted. “By tomorrow, they’ll be our friends and allies, eager to help us spread our vision of Democracy throughout the region.”