NFL Lobs ‘Hail Mary’ at Player Misconduct

(New York, New York, Friday) – The NFL will attempt to enlist its on-field conditioning in an effort to tame the off-field behavior of its players.

“Effective today, all wives, girlfriends and significant others will be asked, whenever they are with one of our players, to don protective red jerseys similar to those worn by some NFL quarterbacks during practice,” league commissioner Roger Goodell, announced at NFL headquarters here.

“Every NFL player knows, without thinking, that use of excessive force against anyone wearing one of these jerseys is strictly prohibited,” Goodell continued. “We’re hoping that training-instilled reflex will carry into their personal lives and prevent further unsportsmanlike conduct against their loved ones.”

Goodell is still taking media heat from his initial slap-on-the wrist, two-game suspension of former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice when video footage showed Rice dragging his unconscious then-fiancee from an elevator. Goodell upped the penalty to indefinite NFL suspension after a subsequent video revealed that the victim had apparently been knocked out by a punch allegedly thrown by Rice.

“We had no clue as to what had transpired in the elevator after the first video surfaced,” Goodell added. “We only suspended Rice for two games because we felt that dragging that unfortunate lady, who may have simply fainted, from the elevator was an ungentlemanly rescue method.”

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