Black Friday Survivors Resume Lives

(USA, Monday) – Americans throughout the nation began cautiously emerging from their barricaded homes today as sirens blared the “all clear” signal.

Many blinked nervously into the early light of day, not quite certain if it they could get back to their everyday activities or if they should give themselves a few more hours of sheltered safety, just to be sure. Many opted to do just that.

“You just never know,” said Madge Snickersnack, a home economics teacher in Dinkytown, Minn. “Not so long ago, Black Friday actually started on the Friday morning after Thanksgiving. Now, it starts on Thanksgiving Day, sometimes even earlier, and goes on all weekend.”

“It’s not safe to be out on the streets,” Snickersnack added, “let alone in an actual store. We don’t really know when things will settle down. Last year, we didn’t come out until Tuesday. This year, we plan on staying buttoned up until Wednesday night.”

Vicious gangs of marauding shoppers, calling themselves “Doorbusters,” roam retail areas for the full 96-hour Black Friday stretch, showing no mercy for anyone who gets between them and that one-per-store, $1.95 only from 5 to 5:05 a.m., 65-inch, flat-screen TV.

“We’re still mourning the loss of our beloved Grammy, Beatrice, who got stomped by Black Friday Doorbusters back in 2011,” said Chester Shufflebottom, a longshoreman in Cheesequake, N.J. “All she wanted was a Let’s Rock Elmo for her godson, Timmy.”

Despite all the doom and gloom associated with Black Friday carnage, one bright spot has emerged. Grocery retailers reported setting yet another sales record for the three-day period leading up to Thanksgiving. Taking their cue from ocean community residents preparing for an approaching hurricane, savvy, survivor-minded consumers are loading up on the things they’ll need during their four days of confinement.

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