Washington, D.C., April 1, 2021) – A collective sigh of relief could be heard from politicians throughout the nation today as President Jesse Ventura signed into the law the controversial political perjury act.
The legislation is officially titled the “Politician Perjury Protection Act of 2021,” but it is more popularly known as the “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire Law.”
The subject of lengthy mock debate by House and Senate members, the bill grants any duly elected public official in the United States full immunity from charges of perjury, obstruction of justice or contempt of court arising from testimony taken under oath while actively serving in office.
Impetus for the measure began more than 20 years ago in the wake of President Bill Clinton’s impeachment investigation and trial, which cost American taxpayers an estimated $37,478,017.13 and ended in the acquittal that most knowledgeable observers had predicted from the start of the investigation.
“With this bill, we ensure that the American people will never again be victimized by such a needless waste of time and resources,” Ventura noted, with pen poised. “Before I sign, I want to state, for the record, that I have never lied while serving in public office; but I have great sympathy for those who have.”
Ventura’s quip drew brief, uneasy titters from the representatives, senators and other integrity-impaired dignitaries gathered in the Oval Office to witness the signing.
“This bill recognizes what the American public has long known,” observed Sen. B. S. Balderdash (R-Ill.), “that today’s elected official, in order to effectively perform his or her duties, must, by necessity, at times skirt the absolute truth.”
The bill extends immunity to any non-elected officials serving under publicly elected officeholders. That, however, is where the line was drawn. Killed in committee were amendments which proposed similar protection for attorneys, judges and used car salesmen.
“American society, without doubt, holds many professional liars outside the political arena,” said Nevada Reno, U.S. attorney general, “but we cannot allow legislation to make a mockery of our justice system, which does a fine job on its own; and Lord knows, car salesmen are already tough enough to prosecute.”
Taken from Truth Is An Amusing Concept
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